An imaginary conversation between Sukma & Prana
The last two days have been very difficult for me to accept.
You know what I find sucks most? When somebody you trusted, someone you thought was a good fellow and good friend to talk to was actually only acting out for you! Pretending to be liking your ideas…for whatever purpose it is!! Yes, exactly, like what you did with me! You were pretending to be agreeing with my stories, laughing with me when I was telling stupid story about myself, angry with me when I was telling you about my anger over this stupid government….patting my shoulders when I was crying…! Worse was that you then quietly avoiding me…..!! That SUCK!! You need to know that!
But I guess I have started to accept and can understand your decision to take a distance from me.
Ahmed, my funny-smart friend, an open-minded Arab, who is very critical to his Arabian culture and yet could not get himself freed from it, told me: “that’s his loss, Sukma!! Not your loss…so stop lamenting over it! Let him go. It is really a pity that he decided to throw a way his ticket to a larger world and instead, run back to his small world”
hehehe… I am sorry Prana, I was laughing with Ahamed, yes, I was laughing agreeing, when Ahmed told me that! I must admit that I find his line was and is very comforting, but still I felt the loss of a new friendship or whatever relationship we might and could have…
It was indeed very shooting to hear this from an Arabian guy! I had and still have some stereotypes in my head, about Arab men… you know….But this Ahmed,is really different! and I am telling you, I like him in to be in my friends list. ( I will tell more about Ahmed later if you are interested….)
My Dear Prana, I can imagine your peaceful-serene world was shaken right away when you saw me in person and more when you listened to many stories from my mouth.
You told me: Pleaze maafin aku ya, aku ngerasa bersalah.
I must say that I do not know what is your “rasa bersalah” for, what you are sorry for. Because you decided not to continue this newly started relationship? I am not sure if you need to be sorry for doing so. That’s why I said: no need to be sorry! Because I wasn’t even sure if this can be called relationship yet. it was too premature to say so. I just came to know you a week or so ago. I was interested to you because of your “camping things”. I am a nature lover…and I was so damned tired of this work, so when somebody showed up to me telling me he loves doing camping, walking around the nature…sure, it was interesting subject to talk about!I was thrilled by the thought that we might be going for camping somewhere….walking up the hills or down the rivers and caves….
Prana, you are a man with a few words, very few in fact!
You only smiled when I said that, and you said: iyaa,
Yes, you are a man of a few words. And I am, Sukma, a very bright-brilliant confident woman (ahaha…sorry if I am sounding very self-assured and a bit overly confident to you! But I am telling you, I know myself quite well, and I believe I am, a very bright person). Yes, I am, bright, confident, critical, capable of questioning everything I find is questionable.Yet, I am also simple, uncomplicated, and humble person! Though I always walk with my chin up, I am a very humble person! You can ask my friends, or those who know me well. I am not lying about this.
Sukma, may be it is true that you are just a simple and uncomplicated person. But dont you know that your critical mind is so intimidating? Your being questioning everything is so threatening!! Dont you understand that? Yes, you told me that you only question those you think is not fair and just and right! and so far you told me how you questioned the structure, the government, and those stupid people…. but who can guarantee that you will not question me someday?? This is not to mention about you being too independent in everything: economy, opnionsm politic….everything…It was just bad combination not just for a simple man like me, but for many men!!
Oh my goodness… So that’s what’s going on in your head, when you were very quiet that day. But you did not dare to tell me that.
Instead you only said: gak…gak ada..., nothing…nothing….when I asked what you were thinking!
But then, I must say, yes, you are right! No one can escape from my critical mind. Not my husband, not my good friends, not my boss…. But I am telling you, I am very good in separating personal life from professional life. I know what love is and how to be a loving person. When I am critical about something related to somebody, it does not necessarily mean I dont love her or him! Those are two different things for me. Something people will find me hard! Also, I know what a friend is, and i can guarantee you, if you give yourselves a time, I will proof to be your best friend you ever had!!
Oh come on Sukma, you went ahead, this time beyond my imagination: You questioned religions! You questions God or using your expression “god” in between quotation marks!!
Oh my God…please forgive her! I must admit, I immediately prayed to Allah to be spared from your crazy mind!
Yes, “Oh” is all I could say! I guess, it is me who have to apologize for dragging you to my head. But I must tell you Prana, that what you thought you have seen in my head is not yet all! It was only a very small part of my head. I only allowed you to peep. But of course those are basically showing you what I am capable of! Yes, I am capable of questioning anything, I am capable of living in hell due to my stand! I have survived over poverty because of my own decisions, I have survived against the odds due to my working environment (I have consciously opted for).
Prana, I am really sorry for what you have heard and seen about me and my life and my world. Actually I knew right away, that you were intimated instead of impressed by my story on how I survived over the killing waves or the fierce jungle mosquitoes. You were very good in mastering your feelings! –This is a compliment for you anyway–. But your blank expression is just very telling.
You see, even the way you are apologizing now is very ellitist and actually I find it a bit arrogant! Yaa… betul!! Sepertinya kamu minta maaf, tetapi sebenarnya kamu sedang memojokkan aku. Tidakkah kamu mengerti bahwa aku menjadi terlihat sangat kecil dan kerdil di hadapanmu? Kamu belum sempat cerita berapa puluh negara sudah kau jelajahi, tetapi dari sedikit ceritamua tentang negara-negara besar yang kau kunjungi itu….aku, MAAF, aku memutuskan, tidak ingin mendengar lebih banyak lagi!! Sorry, you can keep the rest of the stories and the countries you have been to, for yourselves!!
But Prana, my apology then….I didnt mean to sound showing off.
No, no…not at all Sukma, you did not, not at all! I know, you didnt have any slight intention of showing off with me. But as you could see, I am a very simple man. My world is only my kampung halaman, my campus and the city where I studied, and now my campus where and the city I am teaching!
Yes….we both were just quiet. I could not tell what more was going on in your mind.
My mind was going to Paris, where we lied side by side, staring at the stars….when you touched my skin, soft and gentle, while telling me that the stars will soon move right above our heads.I was trying to look at you, searching for something in your eyes….but found nothing… no correlation between your soft and gentle touch and your blank expression, no correlation between your soft assuring words with your confusing looks!!
………………………………until when suddenly you broke the silence, took me back from Paris:
Sukma, believe me, you know nothing about me! and my world is not yours! neither yours is mine!
And I said: of course, no one can change that, the fact that “kamu adalah kamu, dan aku adalah aku, that you are who you are and I am who I am”. I never believe in any relationship in which one party wanted to change the other party! neither in two lovers or just two friends! You are who you are, I am who I am. and it should be the way! Two persons in partnership might be changing together, I call it growing together! Even that we dont have warranty that these two persons will grow at the same time to the same directions all the time…..and that’s also normal!!
Prana, please move on, be yourselves! Yes, please….please….
Sorry if I have tried to keep you to stay. Indeed I lamented on how quick you decided to turn your back and walk away ….But let me tell you, actually that afternoon, when I sent you off to the car that took you home, I knew that you have made the decision! You have made up your mind!
And today, I dedicated my time to do some research about you (Yes, I did), and the result, I have made peace with myself. It was too rampage and too fast for you to come to know somebody like me. Today I got a rather complete picture of you: You are such a solemn, religious person, and a father of a young boy! You are in completely different train! You cant catch up my train! neither you need to do so. But Prana, please keep it in your memory, that, such a train does exist! And that you have even met with one passionate passenger….I am not an alien in this world. So I would not agree with your statement that we met in the wrong time and at the wrong place.it was not about the wrong time or wrong place, it was a bout two different trains going to different directions in many ways!
My prayers are with you: may you find someone who fits into your world, someone from the same train, yet, someone that can light up your life and and open up to a larger world too.
Goodbye Prana. Yours, Sukma 🙂
Note: I am dedicating this writing to my dear friend Sukma.
Untuk Sukma yang baik, kamu sungguh orang baik! Dan kamu tahu apa yang kamu perlukan dan apa yang kamu harus lakukan, dan karenanya aku ingin kamu tahu, bahwa kamu sudah mengambil keputusan dengan benar. Terimakasih sudah berbagi waktu dan kisah!