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Sunday, July 22, 2007

A Friend

What is a friend for you?

A friend for me is somebody whom I trust fully, to whom I can open up myself, share my laughter and my tears too, share stories and seek for advise, who can challenge my opinions freely but also support me whenever I need her/him. But that definition only is not enough, because s/he should also equally have the same definition with you. Means, s/he should also regards me the same way I regards her/him. S/he will make me sombody whom s/he can share her laughters, tears, seek for advice, let me challenge her/him and provide her/him my full support whenever s/he needs me. Friends are equal in giving and receiving… Friends are equal to each other…

Why I am writing about this simple topic? Hmm…. long story. But to keep it short, so far, I thought I had many friends all over the world. I kept telling myself that. The truth is I have been lying to myself. No, if I have to use the definition above, then I have to come to conclusion that there are very few…

I think am in crisis now: on the one hand I find myself constantly withdrawing myself from my old circumtance where I was the centre of attention, where everybody seemed to be a friend to me. I often try to find an excuse not to meet them and be bothered with “many simple, boring issues” (I am sorry, but this is my honest feeling). At first I felt guilty, really. I feel like avoiding them and becoming very selfish. But I can’t resist to this inner force “I need to be left alone” or “I am bored to be somebody to always be listened to, or be sought after for my opinion”.. Stop it! I am sorry my friends…. But I just want to be honest, first with myself, and then with you too.

Now, I think I must say that I have never been good friend for you. I was only either good, kind, understanding, caring boss or somebody who felt responsible for other people’s lives. And now I am tired of that role! I am tired to be somebody who had the last words; tired to be somebody who always appeared to be strong. No, I too am just human being like you: weak, boresome, having lots of problems too (sometimes even heavier than that of yours). I need somebody to challenge me too.

But on the other hand, I find myself from time to time, so lonely. This feeling is coming and going (like the spinal problem I have hehe…). I started having it when I saw how my mum was struggling with her sickness… Suddenly a lonely feeling struck me. I feel soooo sad to realize that I have very few people whom I can call real friends as such; somebody who stands equal to me! Whom I miss her/his company whenever I am feeling alone.

It was already surprising to me to find that I actually have only very few names from the long list. More surprising is to find that among these few, more are foreigners who live far away in the Philippines, Germany, Switzerland (curse me for this this, but again, I am just trying to be honest)…

Now I am writing for this special person, one among these few:
If you read this, I hope you understand as why I raise this issue that evening; why I came to that fear. A fear to later discover that it was only an illusion to call you as friend as such. For you are only a nice, kind, caring boss… everything that takes place between the two of us is simply derived from that patern: kind, nice-responsible and sensible boss to his employee. But I think it wasn’t only from that background that brought me to come to that conclusion but also to some conditions where it is only me who opens up my -self to you. It is an unequal relationship where I only take and never give and you only give and never take. History is repeating in itself…. That is my biggest fear. But you dissagreed with me….

So this is my struggle right now. For anybody who reads this. I hope this short writing can help you too to clarify who your friends are after all, or as whether you are a good friend for these people or not. But please be free too to write your comments. Your opinions and challenges are most welcome here.

Welcome to my small yard.

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